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Writings

I Often Go Walking

  Often, when the days grow dark,

I go back in my mind to bright mornings of

Struggling under the covers of safe-keeping.

My four-year-old forehead is pressed against hers

And I learn about giggling and Eskimo kisses

We share secrets and I feel

Most Important in All the World.

With patience and the voice of the sunrise,

She teaches me the words to her favorite song.

It speaks of meadows and clovers that

Remind me of Her -

Her warmth and her sweetness.

Then, I’ll find myself driving Home where,

Even though I’m all

Grown-Up

and

Responsible

and 

Independent,

I can still feel safe and special by

A stroll through her refuge of

Green Meadows.

The Power and Joy of Vacuuming!

More than just clean carpets.

Ever since I was a child I remember having the chore of vacuuming. I often hated it, mostly because it was a chore I had to do before I could do anything that I really wanted to do. But in the end, there was a sort of odd peace and sense of accomplishment that came from vacuuming. The rhythmic back and forth motion of the wheels and brushes gliding across the floor making clean smooth pattern lines in the carpet.

The power in that small motor connected to the long tubing that manages to find stubborn hidden dirt and debris and suck it out from its comfort zone where it was happily making a home and then traps it in a canister to be discarded! Whenever I was finished, if I would take the time to be aware and notice these signs, I’d breathe a sigh of relief and feel a sense of gratitude for a job well done. Confident to move on to whatever was waiting for me to do next.

I’ve done a lot of vacuuming since I was a child! It still seems to create that initial dread and hesitation at first but in the end, if I choose to become aware, it produces the same satisfying results.

I recall the time that I had one last opportunity to vacuum in the same house, with the same vacuum as I had done countless times before for many years… but this time it was different. This time brought a whole new awareness to the power and joy of vacuuming! This was a truly powerful cleansing like no other and not just of my carpets but of my heart and soul, of my mind and thoughts, of my past and future!

I had just sold my home. Everything was cleared out! The furniture was gone. The kids were gone! All of our physical belongings were gone. It was an empty bare house!  I decided to do one final vacuuming of all the rooms in the house. I don’t know why. I knew that the new owners were just going to rip out all of the carpet and replace it. But still… I found myself feeling compelled to vacuum one last time.

So I did.

And as I did, something amazing happened.

I went through each room in that house pushing and pulling the vacuum back and forth, back and forth… then suddenly with each rhythmic push and pull I wasn’t just cleaning old dirty carpets anymore…I was transported into a different realm, the physical motion of gliding the vacuum back and forth was obvious yet with each movement and each visible pattern line I made in the carpet a different type of movement was created in my mind and heart as I was clearly reliving memories, moments and experiences created in that house!

The house we built over 20 years ago. The house we brought our 5 babies home to and watched them grow up in. The house that housed the carpets that those babies had taken their first steps on…had marked with their wet and muddy foot prints…had fallen asleep on…had smeared markers, paint, food, or gotten sick and spewed undigested contents of their stomach on…had playful wrestling matches and tickling attacks on…had friends and family walk on as they came over through the years to celebrate and support in various events and achievements…those carpets that had many tears fall on, tears of joy and gladness and tears of sorrow, hurt and sadness.

Each room brought with it its own memories and moments created there over the years. I saw carpet beneath me but I also clearly saw the smiling faces of my children as they excitedly unwrapped many Christmas, Birthday, and other Holiday gifts. I saw bended knees in humble prayer. I saw hands gripping and clawing in pain and agony as deep sobs of sadness, frustration and despair were unleashed. I saw tiny bodies rolling and rollicking in laughter and joy.

With an enlightened energy in my movements, I traveled throughout the house with the vacuum seeing and feeling these memories deep within my heart. I felt a few tears fall on my face. I felt the sides of my mouth and lips curl up into smiles.

The decision to move had come on quite suddenly. The idea of selling the house and uprooting all my children from all they had ever known had been a bit unsettling. I often found myself questioning if I had made the right decision. And I worried about what would happen to us now. But there were certain circumstances that had led to this moment that I could not ignore and there was no going back now anyhow. The house was empty the documents were signed. It was a done deal.

As I unplugged the vacuum and looked back on the empty house, I saw the clean pattern lines in the carpet and the dirt and debris collected in the canister… but I also saw a lot of hardship and pain, knowing that death, depression, divorce, sickness, sorrow and fear had all been experienced within those walls. I also saw great peace and joy, knowing that much love, gratitude, praise, support and fun had often been experienced there as well.

I looked at the clean bare carpets and became fully aware that I too had now become clean and free. No longer did I question if I had made the right decision or not, nor did I feel unsettled about uprooting my children from their home, or worry about what would happen to us now.

As I stood there and allowed myself to understand all that had happened there…one thing I had become completely and profoundly aware of was the wonderful lives of five beautiful children and their grateful mother who were blessed to live and experience so much there for so many years!

I put the vacuum away and looked back on my handiwork. I let out a deep sigh of relief and gratitude, pleased with a job well done. And walked out, confident now to move on to whatever was waiting for me next.

As we open up to awareness of who and why we are, we are better able to experience joy in how and where we are in life. Becoming aware of who I was…a grateful mother of 5 beautiful children and a divine soul with infinite power and potential for love and joy and why I was…to live in this world and do my very best to help others discover their own true power and potential, especially my children, and help them learn and grow and progress—made it possible for me to appreciate and accept how I was…a bit scared and unsure of what lay ahead but willing to trust in the events that lead me to this point and being open to what would come—and to more fully enjoy where I was not only physically…in an empty house filled with years of memories and moving to a new house ready to be filled with memories…but also emotionally where I am…a single mom moving forward into a new phase of life open to great possibility and potential for incredible growth and immense JOY!

What power, peace and joy are you finding as you allow the vacuum in your life to clean and help you become more aware of WHO, WHY, HOW and WHERE you are?

They’re Back!

No, this is not about a Poltergeist attack or anything like that. It’s actually quite the opposite. At least that’s how I chose to experience it.

So as a divorced single mom, when my kids were little, one week a year, they would go and spend that time with their dad on vacation. And I’d have the entire week all to myself!

Some of you moms are probably freaking out at the thought of an entire week without kids. You’re lucky to have even five minutes and would be so grateful if you could just get that. Well, let me tell you, I’ve been there too. And a whole week without kids is wonderful in a way, but also very difficult and sad in other ways.

Here’s an example of how the week to myself would generally go. It starts out okay. It would get a little too quiet that first night though. It’s amazing all the sounds and creaks a house makes when there isn’t all the other sounds of daily living from a house full of people. Gradually, I’d start to adjust to it and even learn to like it. A lot actually. The quiet becomes my comforting companion.

“I’m going to get so much done this week,” I confidently tell myself. And I have every intention of doing so.

It’s amazing though how we can use our situations and others to blame for our own lack of drive and commitment. When my kids are home and I don’t get everything done that I had hoped to, I say it’s because they were always interrupting or demanding of me to do other things. When my kids are gone, it’s because it was too quiet and easy to get distracted in doing other things.

Either way, it is always up to me how I choose to use my time and feel about what I do or don’t get done in any given day.

I did actually manage to get quite a bit done. And I let myself be okay with all I didn’t get done.
I also made sure to have some fun. I got together with some friends, watched a movie or two, pampered myself by getting a massage and cleaning the house, yes, cleaning house is actually fun when you can truly enjoy it staying clean for longer than a day!

Then all too quickly, my week of solitude and solace was coming to an end. They’d be home any minute now. I received a text they were on their way back.

I had to mentally and physically prepare myself and brace for impact.

In they came, one by one, dropping their suitcases and duffle bags full of dirty laundry and who knows what else they picked up during the week. My clean quiet solace was no more.

But my joy was full! My home was filled with laughter and voices and movement again. All was right and wonderful in my world because they’re back in my world!