LGBTQIA+ Basics: Terms, Etiquette, and How to Be an Ally (Part 1)
We live in a time where LGBTQ+ people and issues are infused into our culture. But when I am working with clients who are figuring out their identities or families who have a member who has recently come out to them, they are often embarrassed to ask me questions about LGBTQ+ culture and terms. They will say things like, “I don’t know much about trans people,” “I want to understand all of the terms that my child is using,” “I want to be an ally,” or “I want to be an ally but I’m not sure how.” And I usually say something like this, “The LGBTQ-IA community is a vastly diverse population with its own culture, expectations, and language. Don’t feel bad if you don’t know everything, there is no way anyone can. What's important is that you are curious and open to learning.”
So for the curious, I have assembled a broad overview of the basics as a reference to understand yourself and queer culture, and as a tool to open and expand conversations.
Note: I know this is a long article and so many new terms and concepts can be overwhelming! Take in what you can as you can and use this article as a reference.
LGBTQIA+ : What do all of those letters mean, anyway?
Sexual Orientation: Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Asexual
Gender and Sex Identity: Transgender, Intersex, Androgynous
Queer or Questioning
It’s important to note that sexual orientation is vastly different from sex and gender identity, and that LGBTQ folx can have any combination of each. Our sexual orientation is one’s emotional, romantic, and/or sexual attraction to other people while our sex identity is our biological sex and our gender identity is one’s innermost concept of self as male, female, a blend of both, or neither. To put it simply:
Sexual Orientation = who you love
Sex and Gender Identity = who you are
People often complain about how LGBTQIA terms keep changing and it’s hard to keep up with them all. In my experience working with the LGBTQ+ population over the last 25 years - that is absolutely true! I have loved watching how the identification of identities has expanded and continues to expand to include more people’s experiences. In my observation, however, that expansion has slowed down significantly over the past 5-7 years, so it’s a little easier to catch up.
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Here are some of the basics:
Sexual Orientations
Allosexual (Allo): People who feel sexual attraction to others; someone who isn’t Ace
Asexual (Ace): People who are not sexually attracted to others (but they may still have emotional and romantic attractions)
Bisexual (Bi): People who are attracted to both men and women
Demisexual (Demi): People who only feel physical attraction after an emotional or romantic connection is established
Lesbian: Women who are attracted to other women
Gay Men: Men who are attracted to other men
Pansexual (Pan): People who are attracted to people of all genders including trans, nonbinary and genderqueer people
Polyamorous (Poly): People who are attracted to and have relationships with more than one person at a time
Gender and Sex Identities
Androgynous: The gender expression of being agender or gender neutral
Binary: A trans person whose gender identity only includes being either a man/male or a woman/female
Cisgender (Cis): A person whose gender assigned at birth aligns with their gender identity; someone who is not trans
Genderqueer: People who do not feel they fit into a specific gender label. Also, a broad term for anyone who is not cis
Gender Fluid: A person whose gender identity and/or gender expression changes depending on the day or their mood
Intersex: Someone who is born with both or partial male and female genitalia or chromosomes.
Nonbinary: Trans people whose gender identity is not binary (only male or female; includes genderqueer, gender fluid, agender, gender ambiguous
Transgender (Trans): Someone who has transitioned from their gender assigned at birth to their true gender identity. Also, a broad term for anyone who is gender nonconforming.
Sex and Gender Terms
AFAB: Assigned Female at Birth
AMAB: Assigned Male at Birth
Biological sex spectrum (female, male, intersex): Our biological sex is based on the genitals and chromosomes we were born with. One myth about our biological sex is that you can only be male or female. In reality, there is a broad spectrum of sexes that includes intersex people who have an array of chromosomal and genital variations.
Chosen Name: A name trans people choose for themselves that aligns with their gender identity.
Dead Name: Name given to someone at birth that is no longer used after someone transitions and changes their name. Dead-naming someone often causes dysphoria.
Drag/Drag Shows: The art of performing as the opposite gender, often in an exaggerated manner. Drag queens dress as females, and drag kings as males. Drag is a gender expression, not necessarily a gender identity.
Dysphoria (gender dysphoria): for gender non-conforming individuals, this is a feeling of discomfort and distress when their gender assigned at birth does not align with their gender identity. Gender dysphoria is typically at its worst during puberty and is connected with serious mental health issues like depression, low self-esteem, and suicide.
Gender assigned at birth is based on the perception of our biological sex - no one gets to choose their gender assigned at birth.
Gender Marker: The legal identification of one’s gender that is indicated in our school, medical, and tax records as well as on birth certificates, driver’s licenses, state IDs, and passports.
Gender norms or gender roles: are how society and individuals believe that people should look, dress, and act based on their gender assigned at birth. Both queer and non-queer people follow or break gender norms.
Gender nonconformity is when people reject or break out of the societal norms about gender roles and expectations.
Gender spectrum: The concept of gender is socially determined and, similar to biological sex, gender is not binary (one or the other), but has a wide and diverse spectrum of identities.
Misgender: When people refer to someone by the wrong pronouns rather than their preferred pronouns.
Sex (Intersex) Spectrum: The spectrum of biological sexes including chromosomal and physical sex trait variation in intersex folx.
Transitioning Terms
Binding: When those assigned female at birth (AFAB) use a binder, ace bandage, or wear two sports bras to hide their breasts.
Bottom surgery: There are numerous options for both AMAB and AFAB people.
Gender Reassignment/Alignment/Affirming Surgery: when gender nonconforming folx have surgery to align their bodies more closely to their true gender identity.
Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT): The use of hormones (e.g., testosterone or estrogen) to aid in gender alignment
Hysterectomy: AFAB folx whose menstrual cycle causes dysphoria may choose to have their uterus and/or their ovaries removed.
Social Transition: When trans people present their true gender identity to family, friends and others through their appearance, behaviors, and pronoun preferences. Individuals are required to go through a lengthy social transition before starting medical transition.
Medical Transition: When trans people use puberty blockers, hormones, or have surgery to assist in their gender alignment process
Puberty blockers: Meds that block the onset of pubescent hormones to stop the development of physical sex traits (i.e., breasts, Adam’s apple, undesirable height or shoe size)
Top surgery: Double mastectomy for AFAB folx or breast implants for AMAB folx.
Tucking: When those who were assigned male at birth (AMAB) use a gaff, tape, or wear tight underwear to hide their penis and testicles
WPATH: World Professional Association for Trangender Care; an international organization that recommends ethical and research-based care for transgender care.
Other LGBTQ+ Terms
Cisnormative: a worldview that promotes being cisgender as the normal, moral or preferred gender identity
Coming out / Being out (of the closet): When an LGBTQ+ person tells people that they are LGBTQ+. Being out can fall anywhere from only being out to yourself to being out to everyone in one’s public and private life.
Gay: Can be used as an umbrella term for any non-heterosexual orientation
Hate Crimes: acts of violence, vandalism, or discrimination directed toward people who belong to minority groups such as sexual and gender minorities, religious minorities or people of color
Heteronormative: a worldview that promotes heterosexuality as the normal, moral and/or preferred sexual orientation
Homophobia: being afraid of non-straight people or thinking they are bad, strange, immoral or less-than; someone who is homophobic
Passing: When binary trans people are identified by strangers as their true gender identity. For instance, when a trans man is called “he” or “sir.” Passing is often a desired goal for transitioning binary folx
Queer: An umbrella term that is inclusive of all LGBTQIA+ people - those who are not cis/hetero
Stealth: When a trans person is passing and decides not to be out of the closet in certain social situations or altogether
Transgender (Trans): Can be used as a broad term for anyone who is gender nonconforming
Transphobia: being afraid of transgender or gender nonconforming people or thinking they are bad, less-than, immoral or strange; a person who is transphobic
Gender Identity: Myths versus facts
Myth: when kids want to change their gender identity, it is only a phase or because their friends are doing it. It should not be indulged as legitimate or serious.
Fact: discovering our gender identity and expression is a normal and lengthy part of human development. It starts in early childhood as “I am a girl/boy” and is prevalent again during adolescence.
Fact: mainstream society fully supports gender exploration when it fits into cultural gender norms (i.e., “I’m a girly girl,” or “I’m a tomboy.”)
Myth: Allowing kids to explore their gender identity is pressuring, damaging, immoral, and/or abusive.
Fact: research shows that stepping out of rigid gender norms contributes positively to overall mental health and relationships.
Fact: Not allowing your teenager to explore any of their identities (gender, sexual orientation, spirituality, political beliefs, interests, etc.) generally results in them doubling down on that identity rather than figuring out who they really are
Fact: The majority of parents want to help their child become a critical thinker who forms their own identity and feels happy, even if it is not in line with their personal beliefs.
Myth: If parents allow their kids to transition, they will eventually change their mind, detransition, and hate the damage they’ve done to their bodies.
Fact: the majority of trans people who detransition go from being binary to nonbinary. They tend to expand their gender identity rather than return to their gender assigned at birth.
Fact: Those people who completely detransition do so because of the transphobia they experience
Myth: We should not allow people,especially children, to change their bodies via hormones or surgeries because they will damage their bodies, regret it, and detransition later.
Fact: allowing social and medical transition significantly decreases anxiety, depression, and suicide. Research consistently shows that aligning one’s body with their gender identity is healthy for bodies, minds, and spirit.
Fact: Puberty blockers and hormones are reversible within certain time limits.
