LGBTQIA+ Basics: Terms, Etiquette, and How to Be an Ally (Part 2)

LGBTQ+ Human Rights and Social Justice Issues

Gay Rights 

• Myth: LGBTQ people want special rights 

• Fact: The LGBTQ community wants the same rights as everyone else: the right to believe and act how they want, the right to love who they want, parental rights, the right to have control over their own bodies, and the right to live without harm or discrimination.

• Sodomy laws have been used to discriminate against LGBTQ+ people for centuries and are still on the books in many places in the US

• In many countries, LGBTQ+ people can still be jailed, assaulted, banished, or killed for being who they are.

Gender and Sex Minority Rights

• The trans community advocates for the ability to legally change their names and gender markers.

• A nonbinary gender marker is typically indicated by an X rather than M/F

• Many places (including the United States currently) do not allow gender non-conforming folx to change their gender marker or have a nonbinary marker on their legal documents.

Drag Shows

• Myth: Drag shows contribute to the “sexualization” or “grooming” of children.

• Fact: Drag shows are a form of entertainment where adults dress and perform in ways that challenge gender norms.

• Fact: Child beauty pageants, which are not banned, dress children in sexually provocative and adult ways.

• Some states have banned drag shows from happening in public or in front of children

• Drag shows have been a regular target of violence, including mass shootings.

The bathroom debate

• Myth: LGBTQ+ people want to use other bathrooms because they are predators who want to molest children.

• Fact: This myth is based in homophobia and transphobia.The majority of sexual predators are cisgender, heterosexual males.

• Fact: Sexual assault is rooted in power and control far more than sexual desire or attraction. It has very little to do with one’s gender identity or sexual orientation.

• Fact: LGBTQ+ people, especially trans folx, get sexually assaulted overwhelmingly more than they perpertrate sexual assault.

• Myth: “My children and I feel uncomfortable sharing a bathroom with someone of the opposite (biological) sex.” 

• Fact: Trans people usually prefer to use a stall in any shared bathroom due to transphobia, it is unlikely that any adults or children will see their genitalia. 

• Fact: Many people already share a restroom with someone of the opposite sex on a daily basis, it is just in the privacy of their home.

• Fact: Your child will follow your lead, so if they are uncomfortable, it’s because you are uncomfortable!

• Bathroom signage: It is most inclusive to use the term, “All gender bathroom” rather than “gender neutral bathroom” or signs that have aliens or animals to be allegedly inclusive.

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Access to medical care: 

• Puberty Blockers and HRT

• Finding qualified and experienced professionals who can safely and skillfully prescribe, dose and monitor medications and their effects

• Many trans folx have had negative experiences from using black-market hormones or working with under- or untrained doctors

• Gender Affirming Surgery

• Finding qualified and experienced professionals who can safely and skillfully perform surgery. 

• Many trans folx have had negative experiences from botched surgeries from sub-par clinics, on the black market, or from under- or untrained doctors.

• The techniques for bottom surgeries have advanced significantly in recent years, but finding a specialist can be difficult.   

• Transphobic Policies and Laws

• Many states have implemented laws that restrict minors and/or punish parents for providing their children with trans medical care.

• Medical transition is expensive and many insurance policies do not cover puberty blockers, HRT, or surgery.

• Age of consent laws restrict the use of puberty blockers, HRT or surgeries for minors

Trans People in Athletics

• Myth: Transgender athletes have an unfair advantage over their cisgender counterparts in sports. Male-to-female (M2F) athletes due to biological strength and size differences and female-to-male (F2M) athletes who are on testosterone. 

• Fact: Transgender people tend to be hormonally closer to their true gender identity than to their biological sex. In other words, trans men naturally have higher levels of testosterone and trans women naturally have higher levels of estrogen before HRT. The use of HRT simply equalizes hormones to be the same as cisgender men and women. 

• Fact: Naturally occurring and/or prescribed levels of testosterone shows that varying levels do not increase or decrease an athlete’s performance levels. Using non-natural steroids at higher doses (aka, doping) does increase performance. 

• Fact: Transphobia and scientific ignorance has unjustly led to the banning many trans athletes around the world.

Sex Spectrum Minorities

• Historically, doctors have arbitrarily determined an intersex baby’s gender and performed surgery on that baby to conform to a binary gender identity. 

• Later in life, many intersex people feel the doctor was incorrect in their original gender assignment. 

• This practice is increasingly considered unethical, barbaric, and abusive and sex spectrum minorities advocate to end this medical practice. 

LGBTQ+ Etiquette

• Refer to gender nonconforming people as “transgender,” not “transgendered,” just like people are “gay” not “gayed.”

• Slurs: words like “fag,” “faggot,” “dyke,” “lesbo” and “tranny” are historically derogatory and hateful, but many (not all) LGBTQ+ people use them in their everyday language. 

• This phenomenon is similar to how some members of the African American community reclaimed the “N word” as an act of social defiance, empowerment and pride in their identity.  

• For any minority group, it is generally considered offensive to use or to ask permission to use these terms if you are not a member of that group.

• “Your Lifestyle”: queer people often take offense when being LGBTQ+ is referred to as a “lifestyle” because it implies that being queer is a choice and can (or should) be changed.

Pronouns: 

• The LGBTQ+ community use a variety of pronouns including: 

• he/him

• she/her

• they/their

• she/they

• he/they

• she/he

• ze/zem/zyrs

• ve/ver/vis 

• Nonbinary folx most often prefer they/them pronouns

• Yes, the trans community understands that using they/them in reference to one person can be a difficult grammatical change. 

• However, we already refer to one person as “they/them” in certain non-LGBTQ+ contexts. (i.e., “The customer paid in cash.”)

• In Spanish, the gender identifying o/a at the end of words are replaced with either an “x” or an “e” to make them gender neutral.

• Latinx (pronounced Latin-ex)

• Latine (pronounced lah-TEEN-eh)

• Other pronoun adaptations:

• “Folx” can replace folks” (pronounced the same) - this is the most common word change and using this spelling lets the trans community know  that you are safe and an ally

• “Mx” can replace Ms/Mr (pronounced like the word “mix”)

• Ask people their preferred pronouns and provide yours

• “My preferred pronouns are she/her, what are yours?”

• “What pronouns would you like me to use?  I prefer he/they.”

Misgendering and deadnaming

• People are painfully reminded of their gender dysphoria when they are misgendered or dead-named and it’s considered highly offensive.

• If you accidentally misgender or dead-name someone, quickly apologize, correct yourself and move on without making a big deal about it. 

• “Sorry, I meant “they.” “Her, not him.” “My apologies, I meant Jax.”

• Trans folx are generally understanding and forgiving when they know that you are making an effort to get their pronouns and chosen name correct.

• Intentionally misgendering or dead-naming someone because you disagree with the way they identify or their transition is discriminatory, non-affirming, insulting and hurtful.

• Think about how you would feel if someone referred to you as the wrong gender or by the wrong name, even after you corrected them.

• Referring to someone as “it” is highly offensive and implies they are less than human.

Coming Out & Outing

• Coming out of the closet is an extremely personal decision based on numerous factors surrounding one’s emotional and physical safety.

• Outing someone intentionally as a punishment, to humiliate them, to prove a point, or to get them in trouble is abusive.

• More often, however, people accidentally out people without their permission.

• Always ask permission before outing someone. 

• Pressuring someone to out themselves for a political or personal agenda is never okay. 

• It is okay to ask about - and perhaps even challenge - someone’s fears around coming out, but ultimately, you must respect their decision.

How to Ask Questions Respectfully

• LGBTQ+ people are often willing to answer questions, but be aware that it can be exhausting to constantly educate the public (the trans community deals with this a lot!).

• Instead, ask questions from an informed stance or look up the answer to your basic questions online.

• It’s better to ask, “How do you identify?” than “Are you gay?” or “Are you trans?” as it is more inclusive of a variety of gender and sexual identities. 

• Include how you self-identify (“I identify as a cis, straight man, how do you self-identify?”). In written correspondence, include your pronouns after your name.

• It is extremely rude and intrusive to ask transgender people about their genitals or sexual acts. Imagine someone asking you the same questions about your body or sex life.

• As you are getting to know an LGBTQ+ person better (usually not the first time you meet!), it is ok to ask about their coming out story or their gender transition journey. That way they can decide how much or how little to share with you. 

Compassion Challenge: Appreciate your cis/het privilege!

• CHALLENGE: Go Into the Closet!

• Try to spend a day - or even a week! - without mentioning who you are in a relationship with, or by only talking about your significant other without identifying their gender.  

• Be sure that you take down any pictures of you together and wear a wedding ring on a different finger or not at all.

• Try to notice how often throughout the day that you mention your partner or how many ways that you indicate you are in a relationship and what gender your significant other may be.

• Imagine getting called terrible names, fired from your job, evicted from your home, or rejected by your family for sharing that information.

• CHALLENGE: Change your pronouns, appearance and name! 

• Ask those around you to call you the wrong pronoun and name and notice your reactions and experience.

• Dress as if you have a different gender identity and see if you can “pass” with strangers.

• Dress in non-binary ways and notice how it feels when people struggle to use the “correct” gender.

If you made it to the end of this blog, you are well on your way to becoming a better ally to those who are different from you!